What do you really want?
I just started asking myself this question again recently. It had been a while, and honestly, it’s still a hard one for me to answer. I think this is because sometimes I just don’t know. Yet other times, I think it is because I want so many things and I’m not sure how to make them all work together… or pick which ones will take priority. However, I am thankful to be in a place where I am at least asking myself again and trying to really figure it out. I know from experience, that it can be all too easy to start going down a path, get in a rhythm, and forget to look up every once in a while to make sure you haven’t veered off course or missed your turn or maybe just hopped onto someone else’s path. You following? 🙂
I will try to be more specific. I’m going to talk about my CrossFit training a bit, because you all know that it has been a big part of my life these past few years… and this is a blog on a CrossFit website after all, so hopefully I have some like-minded people out there who “get it”.
A couple of years ago, I watched a friend compete and I said “I want to do that.” I felt it and I just knew I wanted to do it. So, I started training with a purpose… to compete. And compete I have done. I’m sure I’ve bored you all enough with how far I’ve come, so I won’t go there again, but I do have several competitions under my belt now, and this year even made it to Regionals as an individual. This was a goal of mine and a huge accomplishment for me. I love this stuff. I love being able to work toward something and it is fun for me. I’m not just saying this… I mean, I really like it.
Anyway, time goes by and things change, as they tend to do. I feel myself getting to a point where my priorities are shifting… like I am coming into a new phase of life. When I started training to compete, I had big goals of winning competitions and making it to the CrossFit Games. While these are perfectly acceptable goals, I’m not sure they are mine any longer. CrossFit and competing are a part of me, but not all of me. Before, making changes to my fitness goals and routine scared me, so I ignored and resisted them… but now, I just feel grateful for the growth and good things that come from change, even if it is a little (or a lot) uncomfortable at times. I am learning to let go of some things, so as to let others in.
Don’t hear me wrong… I am still planning to train and intend to continue competing (and hopefully kicking ass), because I still love to do it. I would be stoked to make it to Regionals again this year, but I am just not in a place where I want to commit most of my energy to doing whatever it takes to get there. And I’m perfectly fine with this, because there are other things that are more important to me.
That being said, my goal is to make the most of the time that I do have (in all areas)… in my training, to be focused, consistent, and to work with intensity; in my work, to keep my eyes open, to learn from those around me and to coach to the best of my ability and with passion; in my relationships, to be present… to listen, to be respectful, and to treat others as I would want to be treated; and with myself, to have grace, to rest, to breathe, and to take one day at a time.
I realize these things are much easier said than done, and I have days when I just don’t care at all… when I want to be selfish and lazy, or give up because it’s hard work. Who doesn’t?
So what do I want?… really want?
It is not to be perfect, because I’m not, or to have everything together, because I don’t. What I want is to really live my life… to take advantage of opportunities to learn, to face challenges with patience and trust in God, to enjoy the things and people that I have been blessed with, to ask the hard questions, to take responsibility for my actions and my place in this little corner of the universe without shame, to trust my instincts and be honest with others and with myself.
I want to see life, not as something that I have to accomplish or conquer, but as a journey of ups and downs, hellos and goodbyes, tears and laughter, and lessons learned, to see the good and not so good as all part of the bigger picture. I want to participate in it, not simply sit and watch it pass me by, or be in a constant state of striving to get someplace else and in turn miss what is right in front of me.
I’ll try to keep you all posted on how it’s going.
And lastly, in the words of Marcus Mumford, who I will hear live at the Hollywood Bowl in less than 48 hours (!!!)…
“Keep the earth below my feet
For all my sweat, my blood runs weak
Let me learn from where I have been
Keep my eyes to serve and hands to learn.”