Getting to the gym these days isn’t quite as easy as it used to be. Last Wednesday was no different really. I attempted to get Levi down for a morning nap around 8:30, hoping that 15 minutes later he’d be fast asleep and I could be on my way. However, he doesn’t always work like I want him to (shocker), and was still wide awake at 9:55. Thankfully, Jeff insisted that I hand over the baby and go get my workout in. I think it was obvious I needed it.
Often times I check to see what I’m in for, but on that day I forgot to… had I looked, I may have just stayed home. I knew it was going to hurt, and it did. I’m not as fit as I once was, so I can’t move as quickly, but I pushed myself hard. I wasn’t trying to beat anyone but myself… trying each round to at least match my reps from the previous one. Row 1 minute, burpee 1 minute, double-under 1 minute, rest 1 minute. 6 rounds. “The Ghost” it’s called. The double-unders were the hardest. My shoulders burned, my lungs burned, my postpartum pelvic floor hung on for dear life. Somehow I made it through without puking… or peeing my pants (easier said than done). Could I have pushed harder? Perhaps… but not much, and I’m pleased with that.
It was the first day since having Levi that I felt like I really did CrossFit. I saw a glimmer of my old self… my competitiveness and drive. I cared. It helped that I didn’t have to modify anything since it was all bodyweight stuff… so I was on the same playing field as the rest of the crew. It was kind of nice (and awful).
I will admit, there have been many days these past few months where I have been so overwhelmed and exhausted that I have wanted to quit being a mom, which sounds awful and thankfully the feeling doesn’t last long. I have come to realize that it’s been so hard for me because I am a selfish person. I am, and it has become more obvious now that I have a baby. I have been so accustomed to doing what I want when I want. My life went from being all about me to being all about a tiny person overnight. It’s completely wonderful, but it’s also so hard for me to let go of my former self sometimes.
However, as I was driving home after finishing “The Ghost”, feeling like death but also amazing at the same time, I was struck by how worth it it is to get to experience the difficulty of being a mom… or difficulty of anything really… because when we do come through challenges and grow into stronger people, it is so satisfying and beautiful. I had this sudden desire to welcome the hard parts and to let go of the way I thought things should be… to just show up and do it and do it with everything I’ve got in each moment.